When your child communicates with you, she’s speaking in two languages.
One is the language of the left hemisphere-- you hear the words and the information of those words and interpret their meaning with your left hemisphere. “I can’t make this Lego snap on.” This left hemisphere message lets you know that your child is having trouble snapping the Legos together.
The other language is the language of the right hemisphere—this information is in the form of emotion and non-verbal messages. For example, how loudly, energetic, or intense was the message, what tone of voice was used? The right hemisphere also communicates through facial expressions, body posture, and movement. When your child says “I can’t make this Lego snap on” with their teeth clenched, hands in fists, in an intense and loud tone of voice, and brows furrowed, it clearly communicates frustration and probably a plea for help. If the same words are said in a deflated quiet tone of voice, head hanging, it clearly communicates discouragement and perhaps even the message of “I can’t do anything.”
Sometimes we act like we only speak and understand left-hemisphere-ese. But we’re missing at least half of the message when we ignore the right-hemisphere-ese. The challenge is for us to use our whole brains and listen to and VALUE EQUALLY the languages of both sides of the brain. To do this well, we have to listen and pay attention with our right hemispheres, too. Pay attention to the non-verbal clues and ask yourself, what is my child saying beyond the words? This may be challenging for you if you grew up in a home where the external events of life were discussed, but the internal mental life wasn’t given attention. You can begin developing your own right hemisphere by paying attention to people’s nonverbal communication and just by being aware of this new way of seeing the world.
When we listen with both sides of our brain, we can then begin to respond with both sides our brain and have the emotionally connecting communication with our children that they need to thrive.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
What’s it really about?
In the book Parenting from the Inside Out, Siegel and Hartzell write: “[At times] we’re not really listening to our children because our own internal experiences are being so noisy that it’s all we can hear. . . We often try to control our children’s feelings and behavior when actually it’s our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.” An example of this would be when your child is being really clingy, and instead of seeing that she’s communicating that she needs your comfort and attention, you get furious with her. Your fury is not really because of her developmentally appropriate need for you—it’s because you feel smothered because you haven’t done anything for yourself in a long time, or because you had a parent who relied on you to meet her needs, and in this moment, you feel resentment again at being needed.
So what do we do? Siegel and Hartzell encourage parents to pay attention to what’s going on inside of ourselves when we are upset with our children so that we can flexibly and loving respond to them in ways that we feel good about and that are good for their development. Now this isn’t easy. When we’re upset, our brains are often in a more primitive mode of functioning, and we have to intentionally force our minds to pay attention and reflect on what’s really happening under the surface. But with practice, we get better and better at moving from rigidly reacting to flexibly paying attention to what’s really happening inside of us in the moment. Then we can appropriately respond to our children, instead of reacting to our own feelings or to something being triggered from the past.
I strongly suggest journaling your answers to the exercises in the book on page 29, but if you don’t have the book, start with their 3rd question, which is: “Think of an issue in your life that is impairing your ability to connect flexibly with your child. Focus on the past, present, and future aspects of this issue. Do any themes or general patterns come to mind from past interactions? What emotions and bodily sensations emerge when this issue comes to your mind now? Are there other times you have experienced these feelings?”
So what do we do? Siegel and Hartzell encourage parents to pay attention to what’s going on inside of ourselves when we are upset with our children so that we can flexibly and loving respond to them in ways that we feel good about and that are good for their development. Now this isn’t easy. When we’re upset, our brains are often in a more primitive mode of functioning, and we have to intentionally force our minds to pay attention and reflect on what’s really happening under the surface. But with practice, we get better and better at moving from rigidly reacting to flexibly paying attention to what’s really happening inside of us in the moment. Then we can appropriately respond to our children, instead of reacting to our own feelings or to something being triggered from the past.
I strongly suggest journaling your answers to the exercises in the book on page 29, but if you don’t have the book, start with their 3rd question, which is: “Think of an issue in your life that is impairing your ability to connect flexibly with your child. Focus on the past, present, and future aspects of this issue. Do any themes or general patterns come to mind from past interactions? What emotions and bodily sensations emerge when this issue comes to your mind now? Are there other times you have experienced these feelings?”
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Funny Kid Quote of the Week
[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every week. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to me at parenting@tinabryson.com.]
This one comes from my friend Ilsa:
My 2-year-old: "Mommy screams at me and makes me nuts." I screamed at him twice in 6 months. But I once told him that when HE screams at me it makes me nuts. So for a month, he freely announced "Mommy screams at me and makes me nuts" to several people. So I told him, "Even if mommy gets mad and screams, she loves you." So naturally, for sometime after, he'd repeat "Mommy screams at me" every time I said "I love you."
At about 19 months he started announcing, "Sometimes mommy drinks wine." Luckily, not at the local church.
Another current quote: "I prefer that I do." is his answer to "Mateo, please don't do x or y."
This one comes from my friend Ilsa:
My 2-year-old: "Mommy screams at me and makes me nuts." I screamed at him twice in 6 months. But I once told him that when HE screams at me it makes me nuts. So for a month, he freely announced "Mommy screams at me and makes me nuts" to several people. So I told him, "Even if mommy gets mad and screams, she loves you." So naturally, for sometime after, he'd repeat "Mommy screams at me" every time I said "I love you."
At about 19 months he started announcing, "Sometimes mommy drinks wine." Luckily, not at the local church.
Another current quote: "I prefer that I do." is his answer to "Mateo, please don't do x or y."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
What Spoils Your Delight?
My all-time most recommended parenting book that I teach consistently is Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell’s _Parenting from the Inside Out_. The book is an invitation to look inward and then approach parenting and our relationships in new ways.
What our children really want most and need most from us is to fully be present with them and to delight in them. What gets in your way of being fully present with your children? What is it that spoils delighting in your children and in your role as parent at times?
What our children really want most and need most from us is to fully be present with them and to delight in them. What gets in your way of being fully present with your children? What is it that spoils delighting in your children and in your role as parent at times?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Silence can communicate loudly
Sometimes we aren’t sure if and when we should talk to our kids about something. For many parents, subjects related to sexuality, and many other uncomfortable topics can fall into this category. I was talking to someone the other day who said she’d never want to talk to her kids about masturbation. This post isn’t at all about the particular topic of masturbation—it’s about an important parenting issue.
When our kids are ready developmentally and/or could be exposed to something, parents should open the door to conversation about the topic. Let’s continue with the topic of masturbation for argument’s sake. Kids, for sure by junior high, if not before, will hear about masturbation. If parents have never talked to their child about it by then, but they’ve heard someone talking about it, the child is forced to draw one of a few conclusions: 1. My parents don’t know about this and can’t shed light on any questions I have. 2. My parents didn’t talk to me about this because they don’t want to talk about it (either they’re uncomfortable talking about it, it’s not something that should be asked about, or they don’t think I should know anything about it.) or 3. It’s something embarrassing or shameful and they might think there’s something wrong with me if I ask questions about it or talk about it.
Silence can communicate loudly. When we are silent about things with our kids and they know about the topic or have heard things about it, we’ve communicated a lot. We’ve told them clearly—this is something we don’t talk about. It’s important to explicitly tell our kids “you can always talk to me or ask questions about ANYTHING.” But it’s also important to be one step-ahead and pay attention to what we ought to be explicitly explaining or opening the door to conversations. This is best done when topics come up naturally. If your child overhears something on the news or overhears someone making a racist joke, take the moment to ask them what they think, what they noticed, to tell them your feelings and values, to ask them what they would do if different situations arise.
The more we lay this groundwork for open communication, the better the chances are that our kids will really talk to us and that we’ll be able to help them when difficult situations come up in the future.
When our kids are ready developmentally and/or could be exposed to something, parents should open the door to conversation about the topic. Let’s continue with the topic of masturbation for argument’s sake. Kids, for sure by junior high, if not before, will hear about masturbation. If parents have never talked to their child about it by then, but they’ve heard someone talking about it, the child is forced to draw one of a few conclusions: 1. My parents don’t know about this and can’t shed light on any questions I have. 2. My parents didn’t talk to me about this because they don’t want to talk about it (either they’re uncomfortable talking about it, it’s not something that should be asked about, or they don’t think I should know anything about it.) or 3. It’s something embarrassing or shameful and they might think there’s something wrong with me if I ask questions about it or talk about it.
Silence can communicate loudly. When we are silent about things with our kids and they know about the topic or have heard things about it, we’ve communicated a lot. We’ve told them clearly—this is something we don’t talk about. It’s important to explicitly tell our kids “you can always talk to me or ask questions about ANYTHING.” But it’s also important to be one step-ahead and pay attention to what we ought to be explicitly explaining or opening the door to conversations. This is best done when topics come up naturally. If your child overhears something on the news or overhears someone making a racist joke, take the moment to ask them what they think, what they noticed, to tell them your feelings and values, to ask them what they would do if different situations arise.
The more we lay this groundwork for open communication, the better the chances are that our kids will really talk to us and that we’ll be able to help them when difficult situations come up in the future.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Do you find yourself repeating something over and over? Funny how your kids can drown you out so easily and so consistently.
My best suggestion is to stop what you’re doing and focus on the situation. I usually find that the reason I’m repeating myself is because I’m preoccupied with other things and not following through immediately when they don’t do it right away. By the time I notice, they’re already distracted and on to something else, and then I get mad.
Of course we wish they’d just do it, but we can prevent having to repeat ourselves and feeling so much frustration if we do the following:
1. stop what you're doing,
2. get eye level, make eye contact,
3. put your hand on their arm or shoulder,
4. then turn your voice way down, almost to a whisper--either ask them to repeat what you’ve asked, say “maybe you didn’t understand or maybe you’ve forgotten, so I am going to say it again, and then I want you to jump up 2 times to let me know you know what to do and then go do it!” or
5. try something playful--maybe even something funny “Hmm. I think I told you to do something, but I don’t know what it was. Maybe you can go do it and then surprise me!”
They tune us out because we say the same things over and over. No wonder! The only thing we should repeat over and over is "I love you. You're great!"
My best suggestion is to stop what you’re doing and focus on the situation. I usually find that the reason I’m repeating myself is because I’m preoccupied with other things and not following through immediately when they don’t do it right away. By the time I notice, they’re already distracted and on to something else, and then I get mad.
Of course we wish they’d just do it, but we can prevent having to repeat ourselves and feeling so much frustration if we do the following:
1. stop what you're doing,
2. get eye level, make eye contact,
3. put your hand on their arm or shoulder,
4. then turn your voice way down, almost to a whisper--either ask them to repeat what you’ve asked, say “maybe you didn’t understand or maybe you’ve forgotten, so I am going to say it again, and then I want you to jump up 2 times to let me know you know what to do and then go do it!” or
5. try something playful--maybe even something funny “Hmm. I think I told you to do something, but I don’t know what it was. Maybe you can go do it and then surprise me!”
They tune us out because we say the same things over and over. No wonder! The only thing we should repeat over and over is "I love you. You're great!"
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Setting the boundary AND emotionally connecting.
One thing that isn’t on the notes that we discussed is the importance of boundaries and consequences. It’s important for us to remember that connecting emotionally with our kids, joining with them, and looking at the underlying needs/emotions beyond the surface behavior doesn’t at all mean we should be indulgent. As an example, I think it would be weak and indulgent to respond to a child who’s crying and tantruming in public because he doesn’t want to leave somewhere by asking “are you upset? Why are you upset? It’s OK. We can talk when you’re ready.” And leave them crying and being upset, and not making them leave--giving them control over the situation. It doesn’t feel good to them or to you to allow their emotional states to dictate what is happening. A more appropriate response would be something like, “I can see that you are upset. Do you want to tell me about it? Ok, well, we can talk when you are ready, but right now we need to get in the car. You can either come right now on your own or I’ll help you get in the car. “ These are subtle distinctions, but important ones.
Sometimes they don’t know why they are upset—they just feel it. What’s important is that we let them feel that we care about how they are feeling, but also that we provide some limit and structure to the situation. For an older child, when she is losing it at bedtime, we can say something like “I know it can be hard sometimes and you can go ahead and let your feelings out. I’ll be here for you if you need me, and I can just listen if you want to talk or I can just sit here with you. In 5 minutes we’re going to turn off the light so you can get to sleep, but I can be here for you however would feel best to you for the next 5 minutes.” Our non-verbal tone of voice, body posture, facial expression matter a lot in how we come across.
I saw a mom at the park this afternoon who had a son who was about 5 or so. He was being a bully on the play structure and the mom didn’t intervene (saying she didn’t want to solve his problems) until another mom let her know that he wasn’t letting the other kids go down the slide, etc. The mom reprimanded him at which time he started calling her stupid and throwing sand. She told him they had to leave and gathered their things and kept trying to get him to leave, but never enforced it. They were still there when I left. A way this mom could’ve been both attuned to his emotional state AND enforce boundaries would be to tell him that the way he was acting wasn’t OK and that they were going to leave (it might be OK to give him a second chance with a clear warning about what would happen with any future infractions depending on the situation and severity). When he started calling her stupid and throwing things, she could say “I can see you are really angry and disappointed about leaving the park. We can’t stay at the park because you didn’t make good choices, so we are leaving now. You can either walk yourself to the car or I will take you to the car. It’s your choice.” And then make it happen.
When we tell them “I know you’re having a hard time” or “I can see you are really upset” or whatever we say to connect with them emotionally and to let them feel felt, we also MUST expect behavior to meet our expectations, give consequences. We do want to offer emotional connection, but we never want to indulge their behavior. Again, it doesn’t even feel good to them to allow their emotional states to drive the situation.
Emotionally responsive parenting is at the heart of optimal development, but emotionally responsive parenting isn’t at all about being indulgent.
Sometimes they don’t know why they are upset—they just feel it. What’s important is that we let them feel that we care about how they are feeling, but also that we provide some limit and structure to the situation. For an older child, when she is losing it at bedtime, we can say something like “I know it can be hard sometimes and you can go ahead and let your feelings out. I’ll be here for you if you need me, and I can just listen if you want to talk or I can just sit here with you. In 5 minutes we’re going to turn off the light so you can get to sleep, but I can be here for you however would feel best to you for the next 5 minutes.” Our non-verbal tone of voice, body posture, facial expression matter a lot in how we come across.
I saw a mom at the park this afternoon who had a son who was about 5 or so. He was being a bully on the play structure and the mom didn’t intervene (saying she didn’t want to solve his problems) until another mom let her know that he wasn’t letting the other kids go down the slide, etc. The mom reprimanded him at which time he started calling her stupid and throwing sand. She told him they had to leave and gathered their things and kept trying to get him to leave, but never enforced it. They were still there when I left. A way this mom could’ve been both attuned to his emotional state AND enforce boundaries would be to tell him that the way he was acting wasn’t OK and that they were going to leave (it might be OK to give him a second chance with a clear warning about what would happen with any future infractions depending on the situation and severity). When he started calling her stupid and throwing things, she could say “I can see you are really angry and disappointed about leaving the park. We can’t stay at the park because you didn’t make good choices, so we are leaving now. You can either walk yourself to the car or I will take you to the car. It’s your choice.” And then make it happen.
When we tell them “I know you’re having a hard time” or “I can see you are really upset” or whatever we say to connect with them emotionally and to let them feel felt, we also MUST expect behavior to meet our expectations, give consequences. We do want to offer emotional connection, but we never want to indulge their behavior. Again, it doesn’t even feel good to them to allow their emotional states to drive the situation.
Emotionally responsive parenting is at the heart of optimal development, but emotionally responsive parenting isn’t at all about being indulgent.
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