Today, I want you to watch your children with new eyes. Look at them as the marvelous creations they are. You can even try to observe them as if you’ve never seen them before (I don’t mean ignoring them when they are screaming “MOMMY!” and you act like you don’t know who’s children they are.) I mean you see them as if you’ve never marveled at such amazing creatures. Even if they’re fighting today, you can observe with a “Hmmm. Isn’t that interesting? They’re so passionate. Look how they know how to stand up for themselves. Wow—they really can express themselves.”
Slow down and notice the things they’re paying attention to. See what delights them, frustrated them, and makes them silly. Watch how they’re clumsy hands try to do something. Observe how their grubby feet cross in the air behind them when they’re lying on their stomachs picking at a loop in the carpet. Stop and listen as they sing a made up song or talk to themselves when they don’t think anyone is listening. Just take it all in and marvel at the miracle they are—that you have had a huge part in developing. I know you’ll have a better day.
I did this yesterday with my kids and even after only having a 10 minute break from my 2-y-old in a 12 hour period; I thoroughly enjoyed him all day long. Even when he was difficult. I went to bed satisfied with the job I’m doing and with the privilege of getting to raise them. And I went to bed appreciating each of their unique wonder in a new way. Now if I can only do this a little bit each day, I will enjoy my job as parent and do a better job.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Funny Kid Quote of the Week
[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every Monday. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to me at parenting@tinabryson.com.]
"Henry brought back a totem pole from Hawaii and we all rubbed it for good luck at preschool today. But it wasn't so lucky because Stevie pushed Nicholas."
"Henry brought back a totem pole from Hawaii and we all rubbed it for good luck at preschool today. But it wasn't so lucky because Stevie pushed Nicholas."
Friday, April 17, 2009
Teaching Kids to Wait
I heard Harvey Karp speak this week. You may know his books ¬The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I wholeheartedly endorse his baby book and the techniques in it. It’s one of the 3 books I always recommend to expectant parents. But I have some questions, doubts, and concerns about the toddler methods. I’ll talk more about that another day, when my brain is working better. It’s been a long day.
For now, I want to tell you about a great idea he talked about that I don’t think is in his books. He said that the way most parents teach children to wait isn’t very effective. Say you’re on the phone and your little one comes up and starts pulling on your arm and asking you to “come see.” You might pause your conversation and say to your child “Just a minute. You need to wait. Mommy will come soon.” If you are imagining this scenario right now, you know what will happen next. The child continues to demand and pull. Asking them to wait often doesn’t work very well.
Karp says we ought to pause our conversation and let the child lead us to what they want to show us and then ask them to wait right before we actually grant their request. His point is that when humans are really close to getting what we want, we’re more willing (and able) to wait. So in many different scenarios, we can ALMOST give the child what they want, but right before we do, we ask them to wait. He modeled this in a video where he showed a toddler wanting to play with a flashlight. Right as he’s about to hand the flashlight, he says “Oh, just a minute—I need you to wait.”, at which time he looks busy for about 10 seconds, then hands the toddler the flashlight and gushes “Good job waiting!”
Using short waiting times and reinforcing the behavior of “waiting” by then giving them what they’ve been waiting for right then and there, and then praising them will do a much more effective job of teaching waiting. Then we can stretch the times we ask them to wait. Makes sense to me! I’m going to give it a try. If you try it, let me know how it works!
For now, I want to tell you about a great idea he talked about that I don’t think is in his books. He said that the way most parents teach children to wait isn’t very effective. Say you’re on the phone and your little one comes up and starts pulling on your arm and asking you to “come see.” You might pause your conversation and say to your child “Just a minute. You need to wait. Mommy will come soon.” If you are imagining this scenario right now, you know what will happen next. The child continues to demand and pull. Asking them to wait often doesn’t work very well.
Karp says we ought to pause our conversation and let the child lead us to what they want to show us and then ask them to wait right before we actually grant their request. His point is that when humans are really close to getting what we want, we’re more willing (and able) to wait. So in many different scenarios, we can ALMOST give the child what they want, but right before we do, we ask them to wait. He modeled this in a video where he showed a toddler wanting to play with a flashlight. Right as he’s about to hand the flashlight, he says “Oh, just a minute—I need you to wait.”, at which time he looks busy for about 10 seconds, then hands the toddler the flashlight and gushes “Good job waiting!”
Using short waiting times and reinforcing the behavior of “waiting” by then giving them what they’ve been waiting for right then and there, and then praising them will do a much more effective job of teaching waiting. Then we can stretch the times we ask them to wait. Makes sense to me! I’m going to give it a try. If you try it, let me know how it works!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Windows
Dan Siegel uses the term “window of tolerance” as an analogy to describe how much people can tolerate. For instance, a good pediatric dentist has a wide window of tolerance for kicking and screaming. Monica, from the show Friends, has a small window of tolerance for dirt and disorganization. Some people have a narrow window of tolerance for noise, poor customer service, hot weather, or crowds. And others don’t seem to be bothered by these things much at all.
I find that my “windows of tolerance” aren’t fixed in stone. They shift. Some days my window is wide open-- I’m very tolerant. Other days—not so much. And I’m sure you may have days where you find your window slowly closing with each passing hour. By late afternoon, sometimes my windows seem painted shut. (Like today when I found a completely melted popsicle on top of a stack of books, and I had to leave the room to compose myself.)
Being aware of what we’re less tolerant of can empower us to push open our windows a little wider. And it can help us know ourselves a little better, so that we can take more preventative action. Or by taking measures to prevent putting ourselves in situations where we ask too much of ourselves—to tolerate more than we are capable of at the moment. Maybe we ought to cut ourselves some slack for doing an exhausting job as best we can.
How wide are your windows of tolerance when it comes to certain parenting situations?
I find that my “windows of tolerance” aren’t fixed in stone. They shift. Some days my window is wide open-- I’m very tolerant. Other days—not so much. And I’m sure you may have days where you find your window slowly closing with each passing hour. By late afternoon, sometimes my windows seem painted shut. (Like today when I found a completely melted popsicle on top of a stack of books, and I had to leave the room to compose myself.)
Being aware of what we’re less tolerant of can empower us to push open our windows a little wider. And it can help us know ourselves a little better, so that we can take more preventative action. Or by taking measures to prevent putting ourselves in situations where we ask too much of ourselves—to tolerate more than we are capable of at the moment. Maybe we ought to cut ourselves some slack for doing an exhausting job as best we can.
How wide are your windows of tolerance when it comes to certain parenting situations?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I’m trying to Freaking Relax Here!
I’m so low on energy today that I decide to skip my hour-long yoga class at the gym, and decide that it would be much better to just do 10-15 minutes of yoga before I dress my kindergartener, make his lunch, and drop him off. I figure he and his little brother can join in for some lovely stretching and breathing.
I start my own little program with the “corpse” position. This is where you lie completely still on your back, arms out to the side as if you’re dead, and relax yourself deeply—feeling the heaviness of your body on the ground (and these days, it’s feeling a bit heavier than I’d prefer.) With my eyes closed, I think my 2-year-old is doing the corpse thing too until I feel his knees right in my spleen/bladder/ovary region. Not exactly inducing of relaxation. So I try downward dog. I feel something move underneath me and see his giant toothy grin, eyes wide, waiting in glee for my response. He can’t help but giggle, even though it gives him away.
I can’t get mad. In this moment, I am full of joy that he has every expectation that I’ll respond with delight in him and playfulness. And I’m a little sad that these kinds of moments—his toddlerhood is slipping away so quickly. I’m not saying that I won’t be glad to be left to do my yoga in peace next year when all 3 of my boys will be in school. And I’m not saying that I always delight in these interferences with what I want to do. But in this moment, I just enjoy life—and that’s pretty peaceful.
I start my own little program with the “corpse” position. This is where you lie completely still on your back, arms out to the side as if you’re dead, and relax yourself deeply—feeling the heaviness of your body on the ground (and these days, it’s feeling a bit heavier than I’d prefer.) With my eyes closed, I think my 2-year-old is doing the corpse thing too until I feel his knees right in my spleen/bladder/ovary region. Not exactly inducing of relaxation. So I try downward dog. I feel something move underneath me and see his giant toothy grin, eyes wide, waiting in glee for my response. He can’t help but giggle, even though it gives him away.
I can’t get mad. In this moment, I am full of joy that he has every expectation that I’ll respond with delight in him and playfulness. And I’m a little sad that these kinds of moments—his toddlerhood is slipping away so quickly. I’m not saying that I won’t be glad to be left to do my yoga in peace next year when all 3 of my boys will be in school. And I’m not saying that I always delight in these interferences with what I want to do. But in this moment, I just enjoy life—and that’s pretty peaceful.
I hope it’s not true.
If it’s true that you are what you eat, my three kids should be renamed:
Cheeseburger IN-N-OUT,
French Fry IN-N-OUT, and
Ketchup IN-N-OUT.
The birds that perch outside of our IN-N-OUT must think our family works there since we’ve shown up at the exact same time two nights in a row. (It’s baseball season!) Seeing that we have 3 mid-week, late afternoon games next week, I’d love to hear a few good (and easy) crock-pot recipes so my kids don’t start singing “That’s what a hamburger’s all about!” in their sleep.
Cheeseburger IN-N-OUT,
French Fry IN-N-OUT, and
Ketchup IN-N-OUT.
The birds that perch outside of our IN-N-OUT must think our family works there since we’ve shown up at the exact same time two nights in a row. (It’s baseball season!) Seeing that we have 3 mid-week, late afternoon games next week, I’d love to hear a few good (and easy) crock-pot recipes so my kids don’t start singing “That’s what a hamburger’s all about!” in their sleep.
Where do you doubt yourself as a parent?
Let's share the pain a little. Where are you insecure when it comes to the way you parent? I'll start:
I worry that I control my kids too much. Scott and I just had a conversation about whether we’re too strict with our 9-year-old. The danger would be that we're “breaking his spirit” by expecting too much, demanding too much, praising only for conforming to our standards. I wonder if I shelter him too much, discourage him from taking risks too much, and am unintentionally creating a “people-pleaser.” I don’t want to reign him in too tightly, too often.
But I DO want him to be a good person who knows how to tell himself “no” and how to handle it when things don’t go the way he wants them to. A person who is kind and respectful of others.
As Scott and I talk further about this tightrope we walk, we acknowledge that sometimes we’ll be too strict. Sometimes we’ll be too lenient. Sometimes we’ll over-react, and sometimes we’ll under-react. And sometimes we might just get it right. (Though our kids will likely not see it that way.)
Anyway, that's the fear I'm dealing with today. How about you? Where do you doubt yourself as a parent? If you feel like sharing, add your comment below.
I worry that I control my kids too much. Scott and I just had a conversation about whether we’re too strict with our 9-year-old. The danger would be that we're “breaking his spirit” by expecting too much, demanding too much, praising only for conforming to our standards. I wonder if I shelter him too much, discourage him from taking risks too much, and am unintentionally creating a “people-pleaser.” I don’t want to reign him in too tightly, too often.
But I DO want him to be a good person who knows how to tell himself “no” and how to handle it when things don’t go the way he wants them to. A person who is kind and respectful of others.
As Scott and I talk further about this tightrope we walk, we acknowledge that sometimes we’ll be too strict. Sometimes we’ll be too lenient. Sometimes we’ll over-react, and sometimes we’ll under-react. And sometimes we might just get it right. (Though our kids will likely not see it that way.)
Anyway, that's the fear I'm dealing with today. How about you? Where do you doubt yourself as a parent? If you feel like sharing, add your comment below.
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