Understanding What Your Child is Really Saying

When your child communicates with you, she’s speaking in two languages.
One is the language of the left hemisphere-- you hear the words and the information of those words and interpret their meaning with your left hemisphere. “I can’t make this Lego snap on.” This left hemisphere message lets you know that your child is having trouble snapping the Legos together.

The other language is the language of the right hemisphere—this information is in the form of emotion and non-verbal messages. For example, how loudly, energetic, or intense was the message, what tone of voice was used? The right hemisphere also communicates through facial expressions, body posture, and movement. When your child says “I can’t make this Lego snap on” with their teeth clenched, hands in fists, in an intense and loud tone of voice, and brows furrowed, it clearly communicates frustration and probably a plea for help. If the same words are said in a deflated quiet tone of voice, head hanging, it clearly communicates discouragement and perhaps even the message of “I can’t do anything.”

Sometimes we act like we only speak and understand left-hemisphere-ese. But we’re missing at least half of the message when we ignore the right-hemisphere-ese. The challenge is for us to use our whole brains and listen to and VALUE EQUALLY the languages of both sides of the brain. To do this well, we have to listen and pay attention with our right hemispheres, too. Pay attention to the non-verbal clues and ask yourself, what is my child saying beyond the words? This may be challenging for you if you grew up in a home where the external events of life were discussed, but the internal mental life wasn’t given attention. You can begin developing your own right hemisphere by paying attention to people’s nonverbal communication and just by being aware of this new way of seeing the world.

When we listen with both sides of our brain, we can then begin to respond with both sides our brain and have the emotionally connecting communication with our children that they need to thrive.

What’s it really about?

In the book Parenting from the Inside Out, Siegel and Hartzell write: “[At times] we’re not really listening to our children because our own internal experiences are being so noisy that it’s all we can hear. . . We often try to control our children’s feelings and behavior when actually it’s our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.” An example of this would be when your child is being really clingy, and instead of seeing that she’s communicating that she needs your comfort and attention, you get furious with her. Your fury is not really because of her developmentally appropriate need for you—it’s because you feel smothered because you haven’t done anything for yourself in a long time, or because you had a parent who relied on you to meet her needs, and in this moment, you feel resentment again at being needed.

So what do we do? Siegel and Hartzell encourage parents to pay attention to what’s going on inside of ourselves when we are upset with our children so that we can flexibly and loving respond to them in ways that we feel good about and that are good for their development. Now this isn’t easy. When we’re upset, our brains are often in a more primitive mode of functioning, and we have to intentionally force our minds to pay attention and reflect on what’s really happening under the surface. But with practice, we get better and better at moving from rigidly reacting to flexibly paying attention to what’s really happening inside of us in the moment. Then we can appropriately respond to our children, instead of reacting to our own feelings or to something being triggered from the past.

I strongly suggest journaling your answers to the exercises in the book on page 29, but if you don’t have the book, start with their 3rd question, which is: “Think of an issue in your life that is impairing your ability to connect flexibly with your child. Focus on the past, present, and future aspects of this issue. Do any themes or general patterns come to mind from past interactions? What emotions and bodily sensations emerge when this issue comes to your mind now? Are there other times you have experienced these feelings?”

Funny Kid Quote of the Week

[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every week. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to me at parenting@tinabryson.com.]

This one comes from my friend Ilsa:

My 2-year-old: "Mommy screams at me and makes me nuts." I screamed at him twice in 6 months. But I once told him that when HE screams at me it makes me nuts. So for a month, he freely announced "Mommy screams at me and makes me nuts" to several people. So I told him, "Even if mommy gets mad and screams, she loves you." So naturally, for sometime after, he'd repeat "Mommy screams at me" every time I said "I love you."

At about 19 months he started announcing, "Sometimes mommy drinks wine." Luckily, not at the local church.

Another current quote: "I prefer that I do." is his answer to "Mateo, please don't do x or y."

What Spoils Your Delight?

My all-time most recommended parenting book that I teach consistently is Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell’s _Parenting from the Inside Out_. The book is an invitation to look inward and then approach parenting and our relationships in new ways.

What our children really want most and need most from us is to fully be present with them and to delight in them. What gets in your way of being fully present with your children? What is it that spoils delighting in your children and in your role as parent at times?

Silence can communicate loudly

Sometimes we aren’t sure if and when we should talk to our kids about something. For many parents, subjects related to sexuality, and many other uncomfortable topics can fall into this category. I was talking to someone the other day who said she’d never want to talk to her kids about masturbation. This post isn’t at all about the particular topic of masturbation—it’s about an important parenting issue.

When our kids are ready developmentally and/or could be exposed to something, parents should open the door to conversation about the topic. Let’s continue with the topic of masturbation for argument’s sake. Kids, for sure by junior high, if not before, will hear about masturbation. If parents have never talked to their child about it by then, but they’ve heard someone talking about it, the child is forced to draw one of a few conclusions: 1. My parents don’t know about this and can’t shed light on any questions I have. 2. My parents didn’t talk to me about this because they don’t want to talk about it (either they’re uncomfortable talking about it, it’s not something that should be asked about, or they don’t think I should know anything about it.) or 3. It’s something embarrassing or shameful and they might think there’s something wrong with me if I ask questions about it or talk about it.

Silence can communicate loudly. When we are silent about things with our kids and they know about the topic or have heard things about it, we’ve communicated a lot. We’ve told them clearly—this is something we don’t talk about. It’s important to explicitly tell our kids “you can always talk to me or ask questions about ANYTHING.” But it’s also important to be one step-ahead and pay attention to what we ought to be explicitly explaining or opening the door to conversations. This is best done when topics come up naturally. If your child overhears something on the news or overhears someone making a racist joke, take the moment to ask them what they think, what they noticed, to tell them your feelings and values, to ask them what they would do if different situations arise.

The more we lay this groundwork for open communication, the better the chances are that our kids will really talk to us and that we’ll be able to help them when difficult situations come up in the future.

Do you find yourself repeating something over and over? Funny how your kids can drown you out so easily and so consistently.

My best suggestion is to stop what you’re doing and focus on the situation. I usually find that the reason I’m repeating myself is because I’m preoccupied with other things and not following through immediately when they don’t do it right away. By the time I notice, they’re already distracted and on to something else, and then I get mad.

Of course we wish they’d just do it, but we can prevent having to repeat ourselves and feeling so much frustration if we do the following:
1. stop what you're doing,
2. get eye level, make eye contact,
3. put your hand on their arm or shoulder,
4. then turn your voice way down, almost to a whisper--either ask them to repeat what you’ve asked, say “maybe you didn’t understand or maybe you’ve forgotten, so I am going to say it again, and then I want you to jump up 2 times to let me know you know what to do and then go do it!” or
5. try something playful--maybe even something funny “Hmm. I think I told you to do something, but I don’t know what it was. Maybe you can go do it and then surprise me!”

They tune us out because we say the same things over and over. No wonder! The only thing we should repeat over and over is "I love you. You're great!"

Setting the boundary AND emotionally connecting.

One thing that isn’t on the notes that we discussed is the importance of boundaries and consequences. It’s important for us to remember that connecting emotionally with our kids, joining with them, and looking at the underlying needs/emotions beyond the surface behavior doesn’t at all mean we should be indulgent. As an example, I think it would be weak and indulgent to respond to a child who’s crying and tantruming in public because he doesn’t want to leave somewhere by asking “are you upset? Why are you upset? It’s OK. We can talk when you’re ready.” And leave them crying and being upset, and not making them leave--giving them control over the situation. It doesn’t feel good to them or to you to allow their emotional states to dictate what is happening. A more appropriate response would be something like, “I can see that you are upset. Do you want to tell me about it? Ok, well, we can talk when you are ready, but right now we need to get in the car. You can either come right now on your own or I’ll help you get in the car. “ These are subtle distinctions, but important ones.

Sometimes they don’t know why they are upset—they just feel it. What’s important is that we let them feel that we care about how they are feeling, but also that we provide some limit and structure to the situation. For an older child, when she is losing it at bedtime, we can say something like “I know it can be hard sometimes and you can go ahead and let your feelings out. I’ll be here for you if you need me, and I can just listen if you want to talk or I can just sit here with you. In 5 minutes we’re going to turn off the light so you can get to sleep, but I can be here for you however would feel best to you for the next 5 minutes.” Our non-verbal tone of voice, body posture, facial expression matter a lot in how we come across.

I saw a mom at the park this afternoon who had a son who was about 5 or so. He was being a bully on the play structure and the mom didn’t intervene (saying she didn’t want to solve his problems) until another mom let her know that he wasn’t letting the other kids go down the slide, etc. The mom reprimanded him at which time he started calling her stupid and throwing sand. She told him they had to leave and gathered their things and kept trying to get him to leave, but never enforced it. They were still there when I left. A way this mom could’ve been both attuned to his emotional state AND enforce boundaries would be to tell him that the way he was acting wasn’t OK and that they were going to leave (it might be OK to give him a second chance with a clear warning about what would happen with any future infractions depending on the situation and severity). When he started calling her stupid and throwing things, she could say “I can see you are really angry and disappointed about leaving the park. We can’t stay at the park because you didn’t make good choices, so we are leaving now. You can either walk yourself to the car or I will take you to the car. It’s your choice.” And then make it happen.

When we tell them “I know you’re having a hard time” or “I can see you are really upset” or whatever we say to connect with them emotionally and to let them feel felt, we also MUST expect behavior to meet our expectations, give consequences. We do want to offer emotional connection, but we never want to indulge their behavior. Again, it doesn’t even feel good to them to allow their emotional states to drive the situation.

Emotionally responsive parenting is at the heart of optimal development, but emotionally responsive parenting isn’t at all about being indulgent.

Look with New Eyes

Today, I want you to watch your children with new eyes. Look at them as the marvelous creations they are. You can even try to observe them as if you’ve never seen them before (I don’t mean ignoring them when they are screaming “MOMMY!” and you act like you don’t know who’s children they are.) I mean you see them as if you’ve never marveled at such amazing creatures. Even if they’re fighting today, you can observe with a “Hmmm. Isn’t that interesting? They’re so passionate. Look how they know how to stand up for themselves. Wow—they really can express themselves.”

Slow down and notice the things they’re paying attention to. See what delights them, frustrated them, and makes them silly. Watch how they’re clumsy hands try to do something. Observe how their grubby feet cross in the air behind them when they’re lying on their stomachs picking at a loop in the carpet. Stop and listen as they sing a made up song or talk to themselves when they don’t think anyone is listening. Just take it all in and marvel at the miracle they are—that you have had a huge part in developing. I know you’ll have a better day.

I did this yesterday with my kids and even after only having a 10 minute break from my 2-y-old in a 12 hour period; I thoroughly enjoyed him all day long. Even when he was difficult. I went to bed satisfied with the job I’m doing and with the privilege of getting to raise them. And I went to bed appreciating each of their unique wonder in a new way. Now if I can only do this a little bit each day, I will enjoy my job as parent and do a better job.

Funny Kid Quote of the Week

[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every Monday. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to me at parenting@tinabryson.com.]

"Henry brought back a totem pole from Hawaii and we all rubbed it for good luck at preschool today. But it wasn't so lucky because Stevie pushed Nicholas."

Teaching Kids to Wait

I heard Harvey Karp speak this week. You may know his books ¬The Happiest Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I wholeheartedly endorse his baby book and the techniques in it. It’s one of the 3 books I always recommend to expectant parents. But I have some questions, doubts, and concerns about the toddler methods. I’ll talk more about that another day, when my brain is working better. It’s been a long day.

For now, I want to tell you about a great idea he talked about that I don’t think is in his books. He said that the way most parents teach children to wait isn’t very effective. Say you’re on the phone and your little one comes up and starts pulling on your arm and asking you to “come see.” You might pause your conversation and say to your child “Just a minute. You need to wait. Mommy will come soon.” If you are imagining this scenario right now, you know what will happen next. The child continues to demand and pull. Asking them to wait often doesn’t work very well.

Karp says we ought to pause our conversation and let the child lead us to what they want to show us and then ask them to wait right before we actually grant their request. His point is that when humans are really close to getting what we want, we’re more willing (and able) to wait. So in many different scenarios, we can ALMOST give the child what they want, but right before we do, we ask them to wait. He modeled this in a video where he showed a toddler wanting to play with a flashlight. Right as he’s about to hand the flashlight, he says “Oh, just a minute—I need you to wait.”, at which time he looks busy for about 10 seconds, then hands the toddler the flashlight and gushes “Good job waiting!”

Using short waiting times and reinforcing the behavior of “waiting” by then giving them what they’ve been waiting for right then and there, and then praising them will do a much more effective job of teaching waiting. Then we can stretch the times we ask them to wait. Makes sense to me! I’m going to give it a try. If you try it, let me know how it works!

Windows

Dan Siegel uses the term “window of tolerance” as an analogy to describe how much people can tolerate. For instance, a good pediatric dentist has a wide window of tolerance for kicking and screaming. Monica, from the show Friends, has a small window of tolerance for dirt and disorganization. Some people have a narrow window of tolerance for noise, poor customer service, hot weather, or crowds. And others don’t seem to be bothered by these things much at all.

I find that my “windows of tolerance” aren’t fixed in stone. They shift. Some days my window is wide open-- I’m very tolerant. Other days—not so much. And I’m sure you may have days where you find your window slowly closing with each passing hour. By late afternoon, sometimes my windows seem painted shut. (Like today when I found a completely melted popsicle on top of a stack of books, and I had to leave the room to compose myself.)

Being aware of what we’re less tolerant of can empower us to push open our windows a little wider. And it can help us know ourselves a little better, so that we can take more preventative action. Or by taking measures to prevent putting ourselves in situations where we ask too much of ourselves—to tolerate more than we are capable of at the moment. Maybe we ought to cut ourselves some slack for doing an exhausting job as best we can.

How wide are your windows of tolerance when it comes to certain parenting situations?

I’m trying to Freaking Relax Here!

I’m so low on energy today that I decide to skip my hour-long yoga class at the gym, and decide that it would be much better to just do 10-15 minutes of yoga before I dress my kindergartener, make his lunch, and drop him off. I figure he and his little brother can join in for some lovely stretching and breathing.

I start my own little program with the “corpse” position. This is where you lie completely still on your back, arms out to the side as if you’re dead, and relax yourself deeply—feeling the heaviness of your body on the ground (and these days, it’s feeling a bit heavier than I’d prefer.) With my eyes closed, I think my 2-year-old is doing the corpse thing too until I feel his knees right in my spleen/bladder/ovary region. Not exactly inducing of relaxation. So I try downward dog. I feel something move underneath me and see his giant toothy grin, eyes wide, waiting in glee for my response. He can’t help but giggle, even though it gives him away.

I can’t get mad. In this moment, I am full of joy that he has every expectation that I’ll respond with delight in him and playfulness. And I’m a little sad that these kinds of moments—his toddlerhood is slipping away so quickly. I’m not saying that I won’t be glad to be left to do my yoga in peace next year when all 3 of my boys will be in school. And I’m not saying that I always delight in these interferences with what I want to do. But in this moment, I just enjoy life—and that’s pretty peaceful.

I hope it’s not true.

If it’s true that you are what you eat, my three kids should be renamed:
Cheeseburger IN-N-OUT,
French Fry IN-N-OUT, and
Ketchup IN-N-OUT.

The birds that perch outside of our IN-N-OUT must think our family works there since we’ve shown up at the exact same time two nights in a row. (It’s baseball season!) Seeing that we have 3 mid-week, late afternoon games next week, I’d love to hear a few good (and easy) crock-pot recipes so my kids don’t start singing “That’s what a hamburger’s all about!” in their sleep.

Where do you doubt yourself as a parent?

Let's share the pain a little. Where are you insecure when it comes to the way you parent? I'll start:

I worry that I control my kids too much. Scott and I just had a conversation about whether we’re too strict with our 9-year-old. The danger would be that we're “breaking his spirit” by expecting too much, demanding too much, praising only for conforming to our standards. I wonder if I shelter him too much, discourage him from taking risks too much, and am unintentionally creating a “people-pleaser.” I don’t want to reign him in too tightly, too often.

But I DO want him to be a good person who knows how to tell himself “no” and how to handle it when things don’t go the way he wants them to. A person who is kind and respectful of others.

As Scott and I talk further about this tightrope we walk, we acknowledge that sometimes we’ll be too strict. Sometimes we’ll be too lenient. Sometimes we’ll over-react, and sometimes we’ll under-react. And sometimes we might just get it right. (Though our kids will likely not see it that way.)

Anyway, that's the fear I'm dealing with today. How about you? Where do you doubt yourself as a parent? If you feel like sharing, add your comment below.

Funny Kid Quote of the Week

[Funny Kid Quotes (FKQs) appear here every Monday. Check back next week, and if you have one of your own, email it to me at parenting@tinabryson.com.]

"Daddy, why do those people want Jack to leave?"

--my 4 year old, after hearing Ray Charles's "Hit the Road, Jack"

Fairness: A Parenting Tip

“That’s not fair!” How often do you hear it? If your kids are anything like mine, you hear it a lot.

One day I got sick of telling them that “Life isn’t fair.” It didn’t seem to be registering. So instead, we started to tell our kids that in our family, fair does not mean equal. If one of us has to get a shot, we don’t all get shots. Only the person who NEEDS the shot gets it.

The underlying principle is that everyone in the family will get what they need, and that needs are different from wants. So when one of them needs new shoes, and the other one wants new shoes, we might say something like, “When one person in our family needs new shoes, do we ALL get new shoes? No! That’s silly. As soon as you need new shoes, we’ll get them right away. You can start thinking about what kind you’d like. In fact, today when we’re looking at new shoes for Ben, you can start your shopping and looking. We won’t be buying them today for you, but you can take paper and draw pictures of different things you see at the shoe store that you like for us to remember when we shop for your shoes.”

I’m not saying it will stop the complaining or the melt-downs, but if we say it enough times, maybe they’ll get it, and it will teach them this important concept that will serve them as adults.

The Parenting Hall of Shame: Now Accepting Members

“My young son was screaming for 45 minutes and I didn’t know how to comfort him. I finally screamed back, ‘Sometimes I hate you!’”

“My son was two and scratched his baby brother’s face so hard that he left marks. I spanked his bottom, like five hard swats. Then I left the room, walked down the hall, turned back around and spanked him probably five more swats again. I screamed at him so loud, I terrified him.”

“After I had told my daughter to watch out for her little brother running in front of the swing, she almost swung right into him. I was so mad that even in front of other people at the park I said to her, ‘What’s wrong with you, are you stupid?!’”

These are some pretty awful parenting moments, aren’t they? These “lash-out moments” are times when we’re so out of control that we say or do something we’d never let anyone else say or do to our child.

But, actually, the confessions above come from fantastic parents whom I know personally. Like the rest of us, they lose it from time to time and say and do things they wish they hadn’t.

Can you add your own lash-out moment to the list above? Of course you can: you’re a parent, and you’re human.

And I can add one of my own. It’s a story I often tell when I’m giving one of my talks on parenting and the brain. It’s a long (and in retrospect, hilarious) story that ends with a horrible moment when my 4-year-old sticks out his tongue at me and I very maturely respond by yelling, “If you stick that tongue out one more time I’ll rip it out of your mouth!”

As I tell this story, the parents in the audience are locked in on me, eyes wide, leaning forward, smiling and listening to every word, like I’m telling a dirty secret. They laugh throughout the story, partially identifying, partially relieved they aren’t the only ones, and loving hearing that “a parenting expert” loses her mind to the point where she threatens to physically remove one of her child’s body parts.

We all lose it from time to time. We say mean things, we yell, we may even pull our child’s arm too firmly. As I’ll discuss in an upcoming article, there is something happening in our brains that explains these “lash-out” moments. And in another article, I explain why it’s so important that we quickly reconnect with our children and repair whatever emotional and relational damage has been done.

But for now, I want to focus on why we don’t talk about moments like these with other parents. Why is it that when it comes to our lash-out moments with our kids, we all remain silent? Is it really such a shocking epiphany that all parents occasionally lose control of their emotions and their better judgment?

In the spirit of confession, let me admit to you that one of my guilty pleasures is watching Desperate Housewives. In one episode, a mother melts down, and her friends, who are also mothers, find her crying on a soccer field. Her guard down, she tells them about her failures as a mother, and in response, her friends begin to share their own parenting blunders and shortcomings. She then looks at them through tears and asks, “Why didn’t you ever tell me this?”

And that’s my question for all of us: Why do we keep our ugly parenting moments secret, even with the people closest to us? Do we feel ashamed? Do we feel like we’re the only ones who “go postal” from time to time? Do we think these episodes mean we are bad parents?

We freely share with each other many of the struggles we experience with our kids—she won’t eat anything besides waffles, he freaked out at swimming lessons, she clobbered someone at the park today. Sharing these struggles helps us feel normal as parents, and helps us feel like our kids are normal.

But what about our own struggles in our role as parents?

I am convinced that we pay a price when we choose to keep silent, rather than honestly sharing our own stories about times when we get furious with our kids and throw our own fits. Sharing our worst moments with each other allows us to comfort each other, to laugh about how crazy our kids are and how crazy we are right back, and then to look at our behavior with some insight so we can make better choices the next time.

Soon after it happened, I reluctantly told one of my friends about my “rip your tongue out” episode, and she responding by saying, “Oh, that’s nothing! One time I . . . .” My guilt evaporated; we laughed; we purged our secret parenting shame with more stories. Her vulnerable, empathetic, and understanding response made me feel normal and less alone.

So from that moment, I began watching for opportunities to share some of my “mean Mommy” moments—and I continue to get this type of response from friends who seem to be thirsting for a chance to confess and to be assured that they aren’t terrible parents. Whenever I’m willing to confess first, the floodgates fly open. I always love it when one of my friends now starts a conversation with “Listen to this one….” (And don’t say you wouldn’t be interested in a story that begins like that!)

Before I close, let me stress that there are two things that I’m not saying here. First, I’m not saying that there’s nothing wrong with losing control. I’m simply saying that we all do it to some degree, and that we’ll all benefit greatly if we share with each other those stories. And second, I’m not talking about abuse. If you find yourself frequently losing control, or losing control in such a way that you are in danger of actually harming your child, I want to strongly encourage you to seek professional help, for your and your child’s sake.

But if you’re a loving, caring parent who, like the rest of us, occasionally screws up, then why not give it a shot? ‘Fess up to your friends. Maybe you’ll even be a bit less horrified the next time your kid freely shares with the teenager behind the counter at Baskin Robbins, “Mama said she was gonna rip out my tongue.”

The article I didn't write

For those of us who are task-oriented, it can be frustrating to take care of kids because most days, we rarely get things done. Taking care of small children and getting tasks done rarely coexist. (This is why I think when someone asks a stay-at-home parent “What do you do all day?” they should be sentenced to a life of taking care of toddlers.)

Even as I attempt to write this article, so far I’ve only been able to do chicken-peck typing with one hand as the other arm holds my 14-month-old, and now I already have to call it quits. (Notice there are only five sentences written so far.) I had hoped to write an article about the profound responsibility of raising humans, but it’s already apparent that this article won’t be as good as I’d like.

You understand—I’m trying to write this while helping my 7-year-old on at least every third step as he builds a Lego Aqua Raider Kit, and while breaking up the fights between him and his brother over who gets to sit on the blue couch (not the brown one), while trying to keep my baby from pulling the handle down on our water cooler. (I should admit, though, that his squeals of delight at his accomplishment and his look which says “Aren’t I amazing? I just made water come out of this thing!” make it almost impossible for me to pull him away). Oh, and did I mention that my husband has the stomach flu today?

So, I guess I won’t write this article at all. But I know that you won’t care; you probably wouldn’t be able to read it carefully or even look at the whole thing anyway because you keep getting interrupted, too. So, I’m going to have to end this non-article now—I’ve got to wipe the spit-up off my leg, and go check the microwave. I think someone decided to “decorate” it.

As I sigh deeply on the way to the kitchen, my little Luke, who’s four, says, “Mama, why did you take a big breath?” I tell him, “Mommy’s just frustrated I can’t get my work done right now.” He offers some good advice: “Mom—You can’t always get what you want. You get what you need. That’s what the Rolling Stones say.” (Can you tell that his dad doesn’t listen to “Elmo Sings the Blues” and “Raffi” in the car?) And Luke’s right: What I want right now—to accomplish my tasks—isn’t anywhere near as important as what I need—to raise three good little humans. And when I get glimpses at times like this of how Scott’s and my hard work is paying off, I see that that the privilege of parenting, even with countless interruptions, is also what I want more than anything in the world.